Okay call me stupid (maybe that should be Stoopid, as it is his book that is in my hands currently) or at least a glutton for punishment. Praise the Lord that these discovery and growth sessions come in spurts. As unsettled as I feel right at this moment tells me I am hoping this one doesn't last too long. A little of that I say kiddingly and a little not.
Being an expert in the art of avoidance in the really uncomfortable or potentially painful things, I have set aside the book by Dr. David Stoop for many months. The book mark was nearly half way through the book and actually not too far from the second half that addresses forgiveness. If I was smart, which I am discovery my definition of smart is altering some depending on context, I would just trust I got out all I needed in the first half as I should have all those months ago and plunge forward into the second half. Right? Wrong……that is why I say I am a glutton for punishment. At least broken enough to know I need to trust in the journey and God will bless as I embrace the process, no matter how hard it becomes. So, I realize my memory is somewhat foggy on all the specifics of the first half of the book on Unpacking Family Baggage. As I attempted to read where the bookmark was placed I found myself looking back for clarification on the concept of three-way relationships, diagramming and triangles. We may need to chat about these a later date.
There is considerable water under the bridge in the journey so far and I have a much greater understanding of myself and my family heritage and could likely muddle my way through getting a fair picture of family patterns and history—maybe even list off some of the impact. Somehow I am thinking I better muster a dose of courage and go back with an open heart and see what is specifically there and live in the upheaval of it all.
A few pages in, back at the beginning again, I am flooded with images and emotions. Oh such fun. So I am going to write a little down. Thanks for bearing with…it may not be clear or concise, but here it goes. All the junk you never wanted to hear and I have successfully and harmfully avoided for long enough.
First is the question posed on why individuals fall into the patterns they lived through in their family of origins when they recognized the hurt and damage it caused? Why do we do what we vowed we would not? It is suggested that these problems serve a function within the extended family that is beyond our awareness. Not sure I get this…..so will come back to it.
This crazy book triggers memories—like I really did idealize my dad (and villanized my mother). I saw my dad as larger than life at times and still do at times. Yet he was absent emotionally and physically—out drinking and carousing much of the time. With the drinking came a constant fear and sometimes terror of the unpredictable. I grew to expect what seemed peaceful was not going to last and could escalate into something ugly and scary at anytime—chaos. These times were usually full of intense emotion, screaming and at times physical conflicts.
I really hated the different people both my parents became when they drank and in my mom's case it often included prescription drugs and usually in a depressed state—she literally took on what I thought of as a split personality. Her voice changed to this creepy, low, detached melancholy drawl. She was someone else. Scary and I wanted nothing to do with her when she was like this. I was given plenty of opportunity to perfect my avoidance techniques. If I could not move away physically, I was certainly running away inside. Wondering what went wrong and why my mom was so sad, so gone. Overwhelmed by the intensity of it all and just wanting everything to be okay.
I am trying to discern what the overriding emotional response is in these memories. I keep landing on fear and loneliness. I had my big brother Kyle whom I stuck to pretty close in the early years. He was my protector for a long time and would attempt to get us away from the conflicts when possible. Sometimes he tried to defend my mom and would get caught in the middle. Helpless is coming to mind as I think this through. We saw a lot of conflict and experienced unbridled anger.
This is something we saw in the extended family gatherings at times too. I vividly remember one Christmas when I was young and my parents were still married and a conflict broke out between my dad and his brother. They always drank at family gatherings, even my grandfather. They were all mean when they drank and conflict of some sort was to be expected. This particular year they all got into it and the kids were cast to the basement and the conflict ended in the turkey flying across the room.
Funny thing is I remember very little resolution, just tomorrow being a new day and nothing was mentioned—at least as far as I remember in these early years.
So, patterns. I do see that some patterns can be found repeated in our family. One area is avoidance and ability to deal with conflict completely. (Although we have made huge strides in this area it can still be a default.) I can go to bed mad, hoping to forget (like I did as a child) and wake to a new day without any intention of dealing with the conflict. Feeling guilty and hoping I will not be forced to deal with it.
We have had times of intense conflict and high emotion and on a few horrible occasions in our young married years fights that mirrored those of my parents. Praise God we do not drink.
Another pattern that I recognize in me is through the years I have wanted to run when conflict arises. Leave the house or in our early years of marriage I remember empty threats of divorce—marriages where disposable in my family of origin. Praise God they were not Rob's. I do not think I was ever serious; I just wanted to control to end the conflict.
Also I have had an expectation that people will leave and even pushed people away at times so I could expedite the process and control the pain—and not prolong the suffering that comes with getting close to someone.
Okay this is really sad….. I am sorry to drag on. I need to stop it is late and I need some sleep. Plus, I am not sure how helpful this is so please tell me to stop! Let me know if this is not a healthy way to do this?? Questions, questions, questions. But for now, getting this much out has at least lessoned the sick feeling in my stomach. Reading this book is such fun. Can you see my grin???? =0] Yeeshhhhh…..thanks for bearing with me…….
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