Well I am too tired to be writing and am fighting a bit of a headache....but the mind will not rest. So thought maybe I would spill a few things out and make some room for some sleep. Well it is good in theory, so let's see how it goes.
Thoughts for today...way too many for this blog post. Highlights would include some wonderful conversations.
The first was this morning with Pastor Ryan. He called to "connect", to find out about the Colorado trip. Praise God before he called , God had resolved my struggles with the forthcoming leadership changes at Trinity and my multi-faceted relationship with Ryan. In my prayer time, I had committed to God that I would stand by whomever God chose to raise up to take leadership at our home church. Believing that if God is calling, God will prepare and equip. If I have learned nothing else, I have gotten this message first hand through my own journey. We had a very open conversation and I shared from the heart with him the highlights and struggles. The conversation was encouraging.
The second conversation was with my step-mom Sandy. She was checking in and returning my call from yesterday. In the course of the conversation it came out that I was embarking on reading my mother's journal, finally, after 7 years. She shot off a comment about "oh is this another assignment, so you can go to the mission field?" Followed by her attempts to convince me I am a wonderful person who has overcome so much. This gave me the perfect opportunity to share with her the truth about my journey to wholeness. As I shared with her the desire to move beyond fear and the false self I have projected for years, she began to soften. She began to identify, as I shared the experience at Renewal when I was overcome by sorrow for the family I did not have as it collided with the example of God's intended beauty in a family in union and fellowship with him and others. As I shared how important it was for me to walk back through the things of my childhood that I stuffed away and did not deal with, she began to share her own deep seeded insecurities that are a product of her own family. This is a breakthrough for her. I pray someday she will dwell there in the presence of God so she can seek healing and find the joy of the Lord and rest there. She believes in her head, but I would love to see God awaken her heart. Baby steps... as the Lord leads I will continue to share. She is so not dealing with us departing, and has tended to pull away from us, so I am very thankful for the opportunity for a little heart to heart.
Next, I was calling hosts for small group presentations in an effort to get them on the calendar. One of my calls was to a dear friend, Jen. Rob and I have been involved with her and her husband in small groups over the years and our kids are all friends too. Professionally, Jenni is a Psychiatric ARNP. She and I share many things in common, including messed up families and difficult childhoods. We even share messed up brothers named Eric. She has known me for years. But tonight we talked extensively about the process God is taking me through on the journey to self discovery, healing and wholeness. She and I have talked around it all in the past, not getting too specific. I have wanted to invite her to walk with me, but only now have I had the courage to share openly and ask her to join me in the journey. I truly am blessed. It is overwhelming. Jen and I can be real, yet laugh at ourselves too. It will be an adventure with her along for the ride.
Finally, Rob and I had a chance to talk about all the things I am going through and I was able to invite him, as he feels compelled to to read my posts and journaling, or ask questions about any part of the process. I was able to share how my feelings have been hurt by his approach in talking with me and why I am so sensitive, explaining that often my impatient reaction to him is not really directed at him but rather a bi-product of my learning curve in dealing with all the crazy revelations and junk I am processing. He was very open and willing to be more aware and I granted him the freedom to come along as he wanted to, with the understanding if I needed him more engaged in the process I would let him know. We definitely covered some ground and finally I sense we both understand more clearly. He is willing and trying to extend the latitude needed to discover the truth, seek healing, wholeness and growth. He is a level voice of reason too and tends to bring balance when I need it...as long as I am communicating with him. The biggest challenge for us is the lack of time. It tends to stress our ability to communicate clearly. Praise God it is only a season.....this too shall pass....
Enough for now I am fading. It was a joy to connect with these key people and strengthen relationship.
I'm wondering how the journal reading is going and if you are finding it informative, disturbing, encouraging, frustrating, all of the above etc. I just finished reading through your posts. We talked the other night about how opportunities for forgiveness come up more than once and how I came up against this with my dad's journals... You wrote something about your mom missing and or showing up late to family events, and it brought to mind how in the years since losing my mom (nearly 10 now) I have found that I get a bit resentful at times that I don't have a mom around to support me through the various life events of my marriage and family. I get sad and angry that she wasn't/isn't around to teach them any of her cooking skills (which were pretty amazing despite her alcohol dependence), share in the first dates of my daughters, won't be here for their weddings or the births of their children and the list goes on... Inevitably, that leads down a road of some additional or more accurately underlying resentment that she wasn't emotionally available for many of those same life events for me growing up - I have to make a choice to forgive her for these "errors of omission" in her efforts at motherhood... the same way I had to forgive my dad again for his checking out as a father when I read some of the very hurtful and even hateful things he wrote in his journals and saved in his house for my brother and I to find after he died.
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm not sure how articulate any of that is - but I'm a technological nerd when it comes to Blogging...
Thanks for inviting me in to this intimate part of your life, I hope that my life experiences can in some way be helpful to you. It still doesn't feel or seem real that you will most likely be a half a world away a year from now, but as I type this I am reminded that we will be able to communicate just like you are here if we are intentional about the relationship... Love ya!