One of the reoccurring themes that rings in my heart is this idea of living in community with others.
The lack of relationship with my family of origin has set a pattern in my heart for some of my dealings with others and one I am trying to overcome as I seek healing. Most of my relationships as a child yielded hurt and abandonment. I learned to expect this at least on a sub conscious level. Therefore as time went on I experienced less visual trauma when people came and went from my life.
The awakening I am experiencing, makes these things more clear as I reflect on relationships and the status of each. I am much more aware of how I relate to others and the things that impact my ability to relate and I am grateful, but have so much more to learn about myself.
Today I received my moms journal and went to copy it for my own records and another copy to send to Ray for his reading enjoyment. I am astonished it has been 7 years since her passing and it is only now that I am seeking to read about her journey with cancer. Sad. God has His timing even if we are stubborn or unwilling. For the first time ever I am not unwilling, although they may contain some things that are difficult to hear. At Kinkos, I was at bit anxious as I began to copy the pages of the journal. I had to disessemble the notebook because it was difficult to copy with the spiral binding. Just pulling it apart brought feelings of guilt. I am guessing because I felt odd taking the book apart and likely because of the realization of the amount of time that has passed and for what may be ahead for me and my heart as I read what is inside. Leafing through the pages as I copied I saw all manners of writing that indicated her mood or status when writing. Scribbles and curse words were on some of the tear stained pages. All this because of the impact of relationship. I am in for some raw communication, but hopefully a road to healing as well.
After returning from copying Rob was getting ready to leave for work and we were having a short conversation about the week ahead and priorities. I swear I hear condemnation in his tone with things he says. I obviously was a little out of sorts still from the journal, and I am hyper- sensitive to how he relates to me. Wow... I need to get him figured out or more to the point me so I am not so wacked. Maybe he is just pressed about all that is needing done. Great timing with all that we are doing, for me to be journeying down this road of discovery. I am still trying to find a way to include him every chance I get sharing details opening of what I am thinking about things.
On a better note....I spend some great time talking with my oldest daughter Kalyn about the past 2 weeks highlight and how I came to request the journals. In our conversation we talked about the things that carry over from generation to generation. She is wise for a young age and she tried to comfort me as I began to emote and tear as I explained the need to completely understand all the hurts of my childhood and how they are impacting our family of 5. As well as, my fears of being a inadequate mother. She assured me that she knows I love her deeply, despite any bad choices and hurtful times. I think that she is pretty forgiving. I explained to her that I would be reading the journal and the materials on family and that she may find me out of sorts and tearful and not to worry as it is all part of the process. If she wanted to know what is happening she need only to ask and I will share with her what I am learning. We also talked extensively about how faith and relationship and trusting in God are essential to the process. She has been growing in her faith these past months and recognizes vividly the Lord's hand in her life and our lives as a family.
The further along I get in the journey God is opening my eyes to those who are courageous enough to come alongside. Today at church I found myself in a heart conversation with Mavis Clinton who is an Ivory Coast evacuee and former WV missonary. I have known Mavis for along time and today we connected like never before and I now know in her I have a friend and someone who understands. Her own background, including her mission service gives her a unique perspective and compassion. I am blessed and humbled by God's provision.
The next good-byes I say are going to be bitter-sweet.
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