"Out of sorts"

Imagery is powerful and strangely applicable often times. So I have been bumbling around in my head today well actually for a couple days now. The idea I keep landing on is I am simply “out of sorts.”

This can mean a few things and nothing at all; or all of the above.

If I were a deck of cards this would mean that the cards were not shuffled therefore not ready for play. So does this mean a deck of cards is sorted prior to the first time they are shuffled? As I ask the question I am realizing I have an unopened deck of cards right here and yes in fact they are completely organized, sorted by suit and even in sequential order. Hum…

It is ironic how the cards need to be shuffled to be suitable for play. Is this a bit like doing life? We need to be shuffled as well and not all sorted and compartmentalized.

I could take this idea deeper, but the idea is clear enough. I am “out of sorts” maybe because there is so much of my once orderly and contained life out on the desk for work. This brings the idea of a really messy desk. I have lived so much of my literally and figuratively organizing and keeping tidy the things in my reach.

As I am walking backwards in life, as I call it, I am quite literally unpacking once very tidy compartments of my life. It looks a bit messy and feels somewhat uncomfortable. I am not quite sure how or if I am to attempt to contain it. At any rate, I am not sure how to deal with it…..it is messy. It is a little overwhelming and I am not sure I am even compelled to clean things up. Odd.

As I write this, a memory comes of times of great stress or conflict, when I was so upset or riled up that I would resort to cleaning. Cleaning and organizing everything I could get my hands on. Now that is a confession that may bring a smile to those of you who make it a habit to analyze such behavior and responses… =0] Classic control freak response seeking order in the midst of chaos or something. None the less it made for a beautiful house. Who said conflict was not productive? Ha.

Jen asked what is in the journal. Well, the journal has been mostly a chronological account of the cancer journey so far. As she has been walking through each day, more and more of the memories of this time are coming back to me. As I read the entries I find myself chilled, like a nervous response. I almost shutter as I read. Uncomfortable. Strange. I mostly have been wrestling with feelings of quilt. Feeling like I likely did not “do” or “feel” enough when she was struggling so much with things. She mentions we were gone on a family vacation as she was beginning treatment. As I recall she was diagnosed and at that time we already had plans to vacation to the Oregon coast with Rob’s parents a few weeks later. Hum this idea of being gone and not available at a crucial time is oh so familiar a pattern I lived with her all my life. I do not think our absence was deliberate, but who knows subconsciously. Sad. Maybe it was just a conditioned response. Sad. Maybe I was unknowingly relating to her how she related to us.

She mentions not hearing from Kyle or me a few times. I am also stressed as I remember that her mom, my grandma was also dealing with cancer in Kentucky at the same time. Her sister, my aunt Diane and her husband Jim were residing in KY to help Grandma and Warren as their health had been failing. I sense in the journal her worry for them and all they are dealing with and her stress as she and her sister Diana are pretty close and Diana is worried for mom in this early phase of the cancer struggle.

Here is a thought about family of origins. Mom and Diane were military brats and traveled the world. The two of them were very close and stuck together. They too had a broken home early on, as their dad cheated on their mom and eventually they divorced and Grandma was a single mom at a time when it was not so popular to be a divorcee. As I recall Grandma Phyllis was a beauty and a socialite and this did not stop when she was a single mom. I am not completely sure of the circumstances but I remember as my mom entered the adolescent and teen years she and her mother did not get along at all and she went and lived with her mother’s mother, whom she worshiped until she graduated high school. I am seeing a pattern in the next generation. Many similar things happened in my family as well. Kyle and I were thick as thieves too as we only had each other and much of time things were really crazy. He had a difficult relationship with my dad and step mom and left the house too. My mom and Kyle are a lot alike. Interesting. I am sure there is much more to be said here. But for now….just recognizing some of the patterns.

The rush of family dynamics both present and past are all part of this. Currently, by God’s grace our family of 5 is relating well and things are pretty tight. This is great as I wander through the past and all the unsettledness it brings.

Out of sorts…my compassion for mom is high, knowing how much she was trying to deal with in the cancer. Remorse for not doing and being more is running a close second. Some grief at the remembrance of the loss too, I think. Yes, Jen I have often resented the fact that she was never available for the key things of life and that she cannot be a part of the special things in my kid’s life either. The challenge for me as these feelings arise is not to write it off as “normal” and that is the way it is. I lost and my kids are losing out too. I was robbed a mother and they a grandmother. And it is sad.

Funny, that in spite of all the failings and mistakes and cruddy things done or not done, love remains at some level. Kids are forgiving and loyal to a fault sometimes. As I think about these things and the personality that is coming out of her entries I am also reminded of the things I loved about her. She was a nut. She too struggled with loving people well. She loved no doubt, but was always so consumed by life.

I pray that I can learn to love better. Love as Jesus loves. More openly, unreservedly, unconditionally.

Enough for now…need to get some sleep.