Sharks and Turtles

The greatest commandment to the church is to love one another. How are we doing? I would venture to say not very well. Why? Well one reason is that relationships and life is messy. Interpersonal relationships are inevitably plagued with conflict. How are we dealing with conflict? Some well and some not so well. We have had the honor of looking at the issue of conflict management and the impact it has on relationships. Our discussion included a closer look at styles of conflict management and our own styles for dealing with conflict. More discoveries for me. I have learned a lot about myself in looking at how I handle conflict. Interestingly enough, this comes on the heals of the examination of who my dad is and the impact he has had on me. One impact is the style of conflict management. My childhood culture has profoundly impacted my ability to handle conflict in family and other relationships.

No winners, no losers

Symbol: Turtle

Fundamental premise: This isn't the right time or place to address this issue

Strategic philosophy: Avoids conflict by withdrawing, sidestepping, or postponing

When to use:

• When the conflict is small and relationships are at stake
  
• When you're counting to ten to cool off
  
• When more important issues are pressing and you feel you don't have time to deal with this particular one
  
• When you have no power and you see no chance of getting your concerns met
  
• When you are too emotionally involved and others around you can solve the conflict more successfully
  
• When more information is needed
  

Drawbacks:

• Important decisions may be made by default
  
• Postponing may make matters worse
  

The descriptions of the various styles were given and initially I was puzzled some as to which description best fit. Self awareness is such fun. However praise God for the truth He brings in so many contexts. The reality is that my style is to avoid conflict when at all possible. I discovered that context is huge in my conflict management. My tendency is to avoid however in professional and ministry context I will confront when necessary.

At home it is a completely different story. It is not the case in the extended family either. Sad but true. The thing that confused me is that I know I have and am capable of what are known as shark tendencies. Apparently this is more the snapping turtle. These shark tendencies are when threatened or backed into a corner. What I am seeing is that these are a product of my childhood stress. My dad was harsh, definitely a shark clean through. Watch out because he wounds. I on the other hand am the wounded and I guess the avoidance style is commonly seen in those who have been hurt.

The process of discovery has also provided an opportunity to seek feedback and examine recent conflicts. The style was confirmed in both the avoiding and head on confrontation when pushed or in certain context. One of the characteristics of this style is a need for safety. I get this. In the midst of heated conflict a fight or flight thing rises up. My desire is to contain or get as far away as possible. In an effort to understand these feelings I have looked back to the stressful things I lived as a young child. At the sign of conflict or even the potential for conflict I retreated when ever it was possible. There was no outlet to express fear or anything. I just stuffed my feelings away and sought peace and safety until the dust settled.

One thing I recognize is that even now when Rob shows irritation at something simple and I sense it the same stress feelings arise and I am looking for a way to stop it or retreat. I understand that he needs the freedom to express, but the tension brings to life the stress and unsettledness of my childhood.

Funny thing is that I married a Shark. This is what a shark looks like…

I win, you lose

Symbol: Shark

Fundamental premise: Associates "winning" a conflict with competition

Strategic philosophy: When goals are extremely important, one must sometimes use power to win

When to use:

• When you know you are right
  
• When time is short and a quick decision is needed
  
• When a strong personality is trying to steamroller you and you don't want to be taken advantage of
  
• When you need to stand up for your rights
  

Drawbacks:

• Can escalate conflict
  
• Losers may retaliate
  

Now the other thing discovered is that Rob is a classic Shark; which gives tremendous insight on our history in conflict. We are bi-polar opposites in our conflict management styles. In order to do conflict well we both need to stretch our ability to speak the others language in conflict. We together have learned approach and timing is everything. He prefers concise and to the point and I need to be heard, understood and given the freedom to express in safety.

So much discovered so much more to learn and apply….more later