Reality Bites

Today was all about stress. On one hand I really can say I rest in the miracle God has made of my life and my journey. The grace extended to me is essential to life and existence. God reached out to me at a tender age and I can not even fathom where or if I would be if He had not. I understand to the deepest parts of my heart and soul that Jesus is the air I breathe. He is life. My center, my Rock, my Redeemer, my Friend, my Defender, my Savior, my Strong Tower, Abba, Almighty, Faithful, Everlasting, Alpha, Omega, Lord of Lords, Jehovah, my All in All. I do not want life if not with Him.

On the other hand, peace was challenged today. The training this week has been stretching and digging in to find truth and more understanding of who I am and how I deal with stress and conflict. I vowed before the Lord that I would walk in faith wherever He leads. The road is not always easy and I am not asking for easy. His faithfulness can be traced through our journey. I was rattled today when my kids came to me visibly upset. They had entered their conflict module in training today and it was painful; maybe even ugly. Kalyn shared that Kohl wept and Kelsey attacked her, Kohl and our whole family unit. I am not shaken by the criticism of the family because I am not in the dark on this one. We have done many things poorly and conflict resolution is one of them. We have been on the road to discovery and healing for some time and these issues are so important and what ever catalyst to grow to a healthy place is welcomed. Honesty and vulnerability is essential. I am concerned because I am not sure she even understands her own motives and heart. Being a teenager impacts her to some degree. It breaks my heart to know they are hurting. And whether the ownership should be mine or not I am grieving and feeling the huge burden for the wreckage I brought to this family. Why do my mistakes and brokenness have to impact my kids? It bites and I am sickened by the reality of the wounds I have inflicted. I shutter at the realization that I see the wounded child I was in some aspect in each of my own children. It is almost unbearable. Who needs a mirror when you have children?

Truth is that poor conflict management has been passed down through the generations. I know my family of origin did not deal with conflict except for the sharp mandates given by my dad. He spoke we were all supposed to accept; his way or the highway. Plus who would challenge back, he was usually drunk. Not me, I was smarter than that or at least more self-preserving than standing up to him would be. Being the turtle I am in conflict, avoiding as much as possible.

My dad's father before him dealt the same way with his children in conflict, especially his sons. Even as his granddaughter I was the victim of his shark tendencies at times.

Much more could be said on this topic, but will have to wait. Awareness is essential in journey to healing and wholeness. Sometimes reality bites though.

Nonetheless, I praise God for the redemptive work He is doing. I pray for radical trust and remembrance that what we are aware of we can change what we are not aware of can control us! I want to be controlled by nothing but my love for the Lord.

More to come…