Controlling Issues

Let's see if I can sort a few things that I have been thinking through. The training here at MTI has been incredible and I so appreciate the truth and candidness of the presentation of "the make it and break it issues" of mission work. I love that they have pushed back where needed and spoke plainly about the issues that are most critical for those anticipating serving overseas. If we are not willing to grow in these areas we flat should not even consider going. Praise God for His perfect timing. I have been on the discovery road and this has been the next phase in the journey for me and for our family.

We did a simulation late last week I have been thinking through. The simulation was for a crisis situation. All of us at training participated in a mock situation where we were in an area that was invaded by rebel forces and we needed to try and get out. The simulation was efficiently structured to create levels of stress and some reality. The groups were created from our growth groups and community here at MTI. The simulation was intense and as it unfolded we learned a lot about ourselves and others in our group.

Here are a few thoughts as they relate to my journey. I discovered that not all my childhood is for waste. (This is not so surprising for some of my sojourners I am certain) If needed sometime, my ability to withstand the stress of trauma may very well prove profitable at least during the height of the trauma. I found that my focus was immediately on Christ as we engaged in the simulation. I was calm under stress and comfortable to allow others to lead as they needed. I was comfortable to engage if needed though. One discovery in the simulation, but also in the past months, is that I have mostly been freed from the need to be in control. With that comes the understanding that I was once very much consumed by the need to control all measure of things and circumstances in order to minimize stress and control outcome and response. I see clearly that so much of who I was needed to control in order to sense safety and acceptance. Praise God for the work he has done in this area. May He continue to free me. (I fear in stating these things that I may be missing some blind spots)

Another thought is in relation to conflict. As previously stated, my general style is avoidance which again is protection. Couple little things here: One is that my response to little irritations and conflicts are a direct product of my experiences as a kid. For example if Rob or the kids appear to be getting heated over something even little, I am already tensing in expectation of a more traumatic blow up. My instinct is to attempt to diffuse. This is simple but big as we learn to relate better together in the everyday stuff. Huge for both of us as we better understand each other. We are already feeling so much more empowered to handle conflict well. Not just us but with the kids and others too. The other nugget is an aspect of how all of this relates to my childhood and relationship with my dad.

He was a shark and a dictator. Not much room for healthy conflict. He often controlled by fear. He was so direct and controlling, he was rarely challenged. The operative here is control. I inherited (or acquired or whatever verb you wish to apply) the control issue from my dad. For varying reasons but none the less this is a trait we have shared. (and a few others that can accompany control) However, I will use the inventory from the previous post and look at the impacts of the traits and life decision for one of my next posts. Too tired tonight…more later