That is a huge question. Not quite sure how to answer it or better yet how to go about exploring it. Obviously we all understand our parents have a tremendous influence on who we are. So the question is not if, but more how and to what extend have his choices impacted me, who I am, who I have been and how these choices have ultimately influenced my relationships, issues of intimacy, attitudes, sense of worth, and many other aspects of my life too numerous to list.
To think this through I have started by just looking at who he is and all that I associate with him and how I have seen and related to him as father; both as a child and now as an adult.
The first things that come to mind are list of his characteristics and running list of his choices. At this point I am not listing them out to determine what character traits I have inherited but to see written down a clearer picture and an inventory of the influences. I guess a bit of a road map. Good to see where I have been as we are looking to where we are going.
This is the list of all the words that come to mind if I describe my dad……
Characteristics
- Stern
- Stoic
- Arrogant
- Intelligent
- Gifted
- Talented
- Intimidating
- Dry sense of humor
- Contemplative
- Methodical
- Logical
- Precise
- Wise
- Generous
- Witty
- Reserved
- Laconic
- Entrepreneurial
- Terse
- Opinionated
- Unapproachable
- Insensitive
- Fun-loving
- Adventurous
- Independent
- Clever
- Stubborn
- Playboy
- Domineering
- Controlling
- Impetuous
- Strong
- Unfaithfulness to wives
- Violent and verbally abusive under the influence of alcohol
- Chose to stay out partying with friends instead being home with family
- Alcohol
- Divorces
- Promiscuity
- Uprooted and moved family a lot
- He did not stick with one profession causing instability within the family
- He was a loving son to his mother and to me (his only daughter) but not to his dad or my brothers
- Made decisions best for him in the moment and had a tendency to hide his true self ie. He could put on the “best self” for the benefit of the moment
- Personal pursuits always took precedence over any family needs often did “no shows” on special events
- Choice to live a godless faithless life
- Seemed like he was not happy being alone; seemed to always be in a relationship
- He acted as a silo in relationships not consulting wife or family on major decisions
These lists are some observations and things to think about and what implications and impact they have had on me as his daughter. I am stopping here tonight.
Need to let things perk a bit…..more later
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