Motherhood....a few reflections and random thoughts.....(Please excuse the lack of grammatical perfection)
What is it? What is it not?
Well at minimum a biological distinction. However, I think more accurately it is a privilege earned through genuine relationship. Not a right based on birthing a child.
Where do we learn to mother our kids? Well certainly God has created in woman the sense for nurturing and caring. But I think also by example and by the ways we were mothered or not mothered.
What was modeled to me? I learned a mother is absent and distracted much of the time by other things; she was deeply troubled and needy; sporadically she was extremely affectionate, loving and fun; she had other things that were more important to her; she was not happy with my dad, as she left him and eventually us after an attempt on her life; that she often did not show up when she said she would come and pick us up for the weekend. I learned disappointment and how to not depend on her. I learned to not expect much. I learned she was sad. I learned that she was constantly in need of men and relationships. I learned she had many personalities, when under the influence, some of which I really did not like and that scared me. I learned she was unstable. I learned to be frightened when she was like this. I learned things were unpredictable when she was in a mood or drunk. I learned she did not value her life much, as she tried to take her own many times. I learned her voice changed when she was really sad. I learned she needed more care than I did. I learned how to compensate for the rough times. I learned my older brother did not deal with things as well as I did....he was sad too when she was hurting or when she left us standing looking out the window waiting for her to come pick us up. Sometimes she would call and make an excuse and sometimes she would not call at all. My brother shed tears, and got angry. I got angry and stuffed my tears. I learned to not expect her to come at all. Yet, I learned I still loved her and longed to be special to her. I learned to try and make her happy. I learned I was capable of doing things on my own. I that I could be brave enough to pull a bottle of pills out of her mouth on another attempt on her life and call the police for help. I learned she was depressed and to avoid her when it was bad enough to change her voice. I learned she was lousy drunk. I learned to tell if she had even had a sip of wine, even if I only talked to her on the phone. I learned alcohol was destructive and scary. I learned other kids did not have moms like mine. I learned I could not make her happy and that she was always looking for more of something. I learned when she loved she loved passionately. I learned she loved Jesus but was still sad and searching. I learned she thought she got skipped in life. I learned she loved clothes, shoes, jewelry and to look beautiful. And I am sure I learned more that is not coming to mind just now....
The larger question is if I learned by example how much of this am I modeling to my own kids? Do they know they are loved? Am I as inadequate at loving them as my mother was at loving me? I am afraid the answer may be......too much.
Certainly much food for thought......
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