Thinking about mothers again. Recently Rob and I talked about my journey and my relationship with my mother. As I recall our conversation, I am struggling to see more clearly. I say this because my memory may in fact be a rehearsed response.
However, I know that during the early years of marriage and kids my mom and I struggled greatly and I was continually mad at the many times I wanted her to be there and she just wouldn't come or if she did she showed up under the influence. For example, when Rob and I were making final preparations in the last days before our wedding, I invited the bridesmaids, and moms to the last wedding dress fitting and a luncheon afterwards. I stood with my patient guests for over two hours in my dress waiting for my mother to show up. When she finally did she was drunk. I was irritated, embarrassed and hurt.
We saw the same thing when Kalyn and Kelsey were born and when we would have special gatherings. This continued on over several years. Every time she would drink too much she would call me up and cry about all that was woe in her life. A frequent topic was how someday I would be sorry and after she died I would miss her. Sometimes I talked patiently and sometimes I would patronize her until I could escape the conversation or phone call.
It was just after we were married that Rob and I began attending our home church Trinity where I rededicated my life to the Lord and Rob accepted Christ. I very quickly began to go to bible study and join a small ladies group for accountability and growth. It was here that I happened to do a study called "Lord, Heal My Hurts" by Kay Arthur. The Lord began to unlock many things in my heart and understanding through this study. I was bitter toward my mom and was like a pot ready to boil because of it. I began to wrestle with the concepts of forgiveness and the ideas about people and their fallen state and how we have undue or unrealistic expectations and we have to learn to accept and love people where they are at and for who they are. I certainly had roots of bitterness in my heart and I wanted to seek God and how I could learn to love my mom better despite her shortcomings and my expectations. This was agonizing for me and I struggled to seek God as I learned some of the hurts I was harboring bitterness over.
As I continued through this study God began to show me I needed to forgive. In accordance to my understanding at the time, I worked through it in prayer and was lead to confront her and talk it through. I did and I forgave her. I do not think she actually asked for forgiveness. I understood that is okay, as forgiveness can happen without.
After, our relationship began to change and my heart began to have peace over our relationship and I sought to love her for the good things and grant much more grace for her flaws. Along with that came more freedom in the relationship. She was now always invited to things, but given the complete freedom to say she did not want to come without any animosity or hurt feelings. She was not comfortable with group family gatherings and we now understood that and did not hold her to the obligation.
In the talk with Rob he was telling me he saw huge transformation in mom's and my relationship. Before this time he saw much bitterness, resentment and intolerance for her weaknesses. After that we were much more at peace with one another. He felt like bitterness and resentment were gone and forgiveness had occurred and I understand more who she was and understood better what she was able to handle.
All that said, I am not sure what to do with the idea that forgiveness did not take place or rather I may have offered it in ignorance. For that time and space, I believe I had experienced some level of healing.
More recently, I know that I may not know all the dark spots of unforgiveness or have not understood to what level the wounds are that were left by the relationship. I think this is what you want me to see.
How exactly do I examine what remains unturned? The only thing that comes to mind is the journal she kept while she was battling cancer. I had them for a long time and her husband took them back without me ever reading them. I did not read them as I was not up for all the crud she was spewing on us. I was not sure I wanted to feel any worse about all that she would accuse me and my brother of doing or not doing.
Even now as I think about that time surrounding her death, I remember worrying that I was not truly dealing with her death and at the same time wondering what dealing with her death actually looked like or meant. (Like there should be a text book definition or something)
I remember some days, maybe weeks, of extreme sorrow. I shed many tears, lost some sleep, dealt with some very weird dreams and finished up thinking I really should be over this and soon after let life take over and make me believe I was....at least for that time. I knew someday I was going to need to "go there" again. That was over 7 years ago now.
I think it may be time to call my brother and see if I can track down my mom's husband and get the journals or some copies to read. If I do track them down.....would you like to have a copy to read too? Might be an interesting read for a guy in your field........=0)
Until next time....I am very sore and very tired. Falling face first down a flight of stairs today was surely not a good thing to do.......I do not think this is the grace I want.....
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