Exhaustion. That word about sums it up for me as I sit here attempting to process today's interactions. The subject was grieving and loss. Now that is stated for those who know me and my history and read this I should not need to state anymore. However, being the ever so painful vocal processor I am. I must speak some reality into the experience.
The focus was to look at grieving what things we bring to it and what God says about it. Also to challenge us to model God in the way we interact in everyday life which invariably will include many losses. In the process, we were pushed to look back at life and the hurts and losses. Even though I have been journeying backward for some time, the stops are many and of course I have not ventured everywhere yet. So to look at loss in this context is painful, raw.
So let's talk loss. This is big and the reality of how big continues to surprise me some. When asked to search out examples of personal loss, my response was "my childhood,", now that is obvious right? Well our facilitator of course asked, "what do you mean?" I paused to check the rush of emotion beginning to surface, as it is hard to talk and be understood if I am choking on tears. Then I expanded some by answering, "well in almost everyway, I grew up fast, and learned very earlier on to live inside of myself because of things like, divorce, desertion, alcoholism, depression, some levels of abuse and such." Even as I attempted to share with this community whom we have been getting vulnerable with for nearly three weeks now, I realized it really is so much more than that and so much more than what could be talked about in this context. These losses are only the surface. Because list a good way to lay out information, I will attempt to list some of the losses that God brought to mind as the questions were posed and our community began to answer.
Losses:
- Sense of belonging
- Unconditional love
- Sense of safety
- Sense of self
- Ability to express hurts
- Ability to engage completely in fun
- Ability to feel fully
- Ability to express love fully
- Sense of value or worth
- Family God intended
- Sense of being normal ( as if there is normal)
- Loss of interdependence
- Heart connection
- Warmth and touch to some extent
- Stability
- Wholeness as a person
- Connection
- Heart
- Reality
- Modeling in marriage and parenting
- Sanctity of marriage
- Openness
I suppose there are so many more I am not listing, yet these are food for thought. How do I mourn or grieve the loss of these things? I acknowledge the depth and magnitude of the loss, but what next? I see that with these losses came related behavioral patterns. Some of which are not good. One example is independence. I have lived most of my life quite independently of others when possible. I am only now learning to live interdependently or in community with others. My childhood necessitated some of the independence, but in that also came a lack of trust and willingness to be vulnerable with others. Thereby sacrificing vital relationship and the sense of belonging, love and acceptance I ached for. What do they call that a catch 22? Though I was forced to grow up fast, my version of grown up did not come with an operation manual of how to cope with the stress and impact of the continual wounds of a dysfunctional family.
It does not stop with independence. For many years I have kept people at arms length letting them only come so close. One of the greatest joys of this journey is the new found relationships God has given in the process. Some of those are old friends at a new level of intimacy. Others are new friends who have entered into our journey. Pretty cool. Those I see living where I lived, behind masks, break my heart. As hard as it is and likely will be to continue to discover truth, I would never trade the new heart God is giving for the heart of stone I knew for so long. Living alive through the joys and the pains of life is living. Praise God I am learning to Live.
Interesting and this list deserves further contemplation, so I will reflect more in another post.
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